January 22nd, 2015
11:30 PM ET
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@fareedzakaria on Twitter
Place your bets. GO PATS !!!!
What time for the party @O Daddy O?
I have ordered the wings.
With his head melted off he would have no choice but to speak out of the side of his neck.
In Des Moines this past weekend, Sarah Palin gave a speech, and at long last the vultures began to circle. “A tragedy,” declared Joe Scarborough, on Morning Joe; “bizarro,” ajudged the London Times’ Toby Harnden; “an interminable ramble,” said Iowa professor Sam Clovis. These, alas were among the kinder adjectives.
Ain't no way in heck Americans are stupid enough to elect Palin or Hillary as Commander in Chief of the US armed forces. You were all just barely stupid enough to elect Gdubya Bush!
Am thinking it will be another 10 or 12 years before Americans are stupid enough to elect someone like Sarah Palin or a WWF Super Star or world champion body builder. Oh wait. Let me backup. 6 or 8 years tops.
DT w/ JH
One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to
take my nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old
burned-out warehouse. "Oh no," I said, "Disneyland burned down." He
cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a
pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland,
but it was getting pretty late.
Come on over at 4pm. I'm a doin the tailgate in my backyard @Better Tomorrow. Tons of meat and seafood. Beverages galore.
The peculiar speech, which included jabs at Hollywood, Obamacare and Hillary Clinton, and a stranger remark about how ‘the man can only ride you when your back is bent,’ comes just a day after the former vice presidential candidate said she was ‘seriously interested’ in a 2016 presidential bid.
Idiocracy here we come.
@Daddy O dont forget my beef chile!
Are you also doing the luau?
Yup. All of the above. Wait till you see my luau pit in the byard. I'm a doing the lamb this time. You'll a luv it.
"Deep Thoughts" with Jack Handey.
At least we don't have to worry about Lance Armstrong throwing his hat into the ring. I don't know why though. He didn't do anything worse than a lot of popular politicians didn't get caught doing.
Shallow thoughts by Beulah Migator.
Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know in the world. Name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of hearing Bubba boasting, his boss said, "OK Bubba, how about Tom Cruise do you know him?"
"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts, "Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"
Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says.
"President Bush," his boss quickly retorts.
"Yes," Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington." And off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in, let's have a cup of coffee first to catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White house grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"The Pope," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Bubba.
"My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time."
So off they fly to Rome. Bubba and his boss are as sembled with the mas ses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."
And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, "What happened?"
His boss looks up and says, I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who's that on the balcony with Bubba?"
Daddy? Can I have an abortion for my birthday?
If Sarah Palin wasn't such a selfish cow she would have had the Trig tard aborted.
A man is lying in a hospital bed with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A beautiful young nurse arrives to sponge his hands and feet. "Nurse," he mumbles from behind the oxygen mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your hands and feet."
Struggling, he again asks the nurse, "Are my testicles black?" Finally, she raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand, holds his testicles in the other, takes a close look, and says, "There's nothing wrong with them!"
The man pulls off his oxygen mask and replies, "That was very nice, but, are my test results back."
OK. You have your choice between an old Miss America and that hockey player over there.
Just pick whichever Hollywood actor or Western oil man you want.
Deep Thoughts with Jack Handey
To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when
you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a
hand?" You can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."
Random answering machine messages :
1. Hi, this is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid inst itution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.
2. Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.
3. Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?
4. Hello! If you leave a message, I"ll call you soon. If you leave a se xy message, I'll call sooner.
5. Hi, John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator.... Please speak very slowly while I write down the message and I'll stick it to myself with one of these magnets.
6. This is not an answering machine-this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call.
7. Hello, you've reached Jim and Carol. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Carol likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right... real slowly. So leave a message and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you.
I used to love inventive answering machine messages. I made up a few if my own, back in the day.
DT w/ JH
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them
down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
A man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded,
rural area of the state. After spending the night, his grandfather
prepared breakfast for him consisting of eggs and bacon.
He noticed a film-like substance on his plate and he questioned his
grandfather. "Are these plates clean?"
His grandfather replied...."those plates are as clean as cold water can
get them so go on and finish your meal." That afternoon, while eating
the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed tiny specks
around the edge of his plate, and a substance that looked like dried egg yokes.
So he asked again, "Are you sure these plates are clean?"
Without looking up from his hamburger, the grandfather says, "I told you
before, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them, now don't
ask me about it anymore!" Later that afternoon, as he was on his way out
to get the paper, the dog started to growl and would not let him pa ss.
"Grandfather, your dog won't let me out," he complained. Without
diverting his attention from the football game, his Grandfather shouted,
"Coldwater, move!"
Old Miss America (D) vs. John Lithgow (R) Beaver Cleaver (I)
Why would Lithgow run as a Republican? He isn't.
So. Neither was Reagan.
Reagan switched, very publicly, from Democrat to Republican, just so he could run for Governor.
I know you're trying to make a point, but it helps to know the political affiliation of the people you're making fun of to make said point. Gives a tad bit more credibility to your point.
Points to Ponder :
Can you cry under water?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?
Why do you have to "put your two cents in"...but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?
Why are you IN a movie, but you are ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?
Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
There she is, Miss America There she is, your ideal The dreams of a million girls Who are more than pretty May come true in Atlantic City Oh she may turn out to be The queen of femininity.
“Now the press asks, the press asks, ‘Can anyone stop Hillary?’ Again, this is to forego a conclusion, right? It's to scare us off, to convince us that — a pantsuit can crush patriots,” she added.
– Sarah Palin –
DT w/ JH
If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the
mirror, because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic.
CHECK YOUR COMPUTER FOR THE FOLLOWING VIRUSES:
LEWINSKY VIRUS – s ucks all the memory out of your computer, then emails everyone about what it did.
MIKE TYSON VIRUS – quits after one byte
OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS – your 300mb hard drive suddenly shrinks to 100mb and then slowly expands to 200mb.
DR. JACK KEVORKAIN VIRUS – deletes all old files.
ELLEN DEGENERES VIRUS – you can no longer insert disks into your computer.
TI TANIC VIRUS – your whole computer goes down.
DISNEY VIRUS – everything in your computer goes Goofy.
PROZAC VIRUS – scr ews up your ram, but your processor doesn't care.
JOEY BUTTAFUCCO VIRUS – only attacks minor files.
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS – terminates some files, leaves, but it'll be back.
LORENA BOBBIT VIRUS – turns your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy.
VIAGRA VIRUS – turns your 3.5 inch floppy into a hard drive.
I AM BAAACCCKKK!!!
Fareed is being dishonest by implying that the Gita Bhagavad is the ONLY source of law in Hindooism. Many things don't appear directly in Gita Bhagavad but are considered a part of hindoo law and hindutva jurisprudence. The sources second only to Gita B are the Ramayana tales, and as an Indian, Fareed knows this to be true. And in Ramayana several examples are given Lord Shiva ordering the killing of those who mock or satirize him in poetry or other forms. These sanctioned killings forever enshrined the practice of death to blasphemers as a legitimate part of hindutva law. Those who are denying this are being willfully dishonest or are simply ignorant. Here is a small list of examples from the puranas which give these terrorists the backing they need in hinduism for their acts.
When the Apostle returned to Veranasi after his raid on Benares, word spread that he had killed some of the men who had satirized and insulted him. The poets who were left spread in all directions.
kama sutra:597
‘You obey a stranger who encourages you to murder for booty. You are greedy men. Is there no honor among you?' Upon hearing those lines Lord Shiva said, ‘Will no one rid me of this woman?' Modi, a zealous Hindoo decided to execute Lord Shiva's wishes. That very night he crept into the writer's home while she lay sleeping surrounded by her young children. There was one at her breast. Ganesha removed the suckling babe and then plunged his sword into the poet. The next morning in the mandir, Shiva, who was aware of the assassination, said, ‘You have helped Lord Shiva and His Apostle.' Ganesha said. ‘She had five sons; should I feel guilty?' ‘No,' the pundit answered. ‘Killing her was as meaningless as two goats butting heads.'
upanishad:676
We carried Ram's head and brought it to Lord Shiva during the night. We saluted him as he stood praying and told him that we had slain Krishna's enemy. When he came out to us we cast Ganesha's head before his feet. The Pundit praised Ram that the poet had been assassinated and complimented us on the good work we had done in Ram's Cause. Our attack upon Ram's enemy cast terror among the Jews, and there was no Jew in Veranasi who did not fear for his life.'
Al-pakora, Vol. 7, p. 97, See Also Samosa:368
The morning after the murder of Ram the Pundit declared, ‘Kill any Jew who falls under your power.'
Al-Chûmuna Vol. 7, p. 97
In this year, the killing of Sri Harish the Jew took place. The Messenger sent some camels under the command of Guru Nanak and Gurbinder Singh against the Jew. pu dit Sanjay used to injure and wrong the Pûndit... sadhu arun said to the others, ‘Stay where you are, and I will go and ingratiate myself with the doorkeeper to gain entrance.'
Al-Hindoo, Vol. 7, p. 99
When a blind Jew became aware of the presence of the guru and the hîndoos he rose and threw dust in their faces, saying, ‘Even if you are a pundit, I will not allow you into my garden!' I was told that he took a handful of dirt and said, ‘If only I knew that I would not hit anyone else, Shiva I would throw it in your face.' Sàjay Gupta rushed in and hit him on the head with his bow and split the Jew's head open.
Al-Chutiya, Vol. 7, p. 112, See Also Hîndoo Gandoo:372
Among those who Shiva ordered killed was Bal Thackeray. The pundit ordered him to be slain because while he was a Jew, Shiva had sent him to collect the hîdutva tax with a snake charmer and a slave of his.... His girls used to sing a satire about Shiva so the Pundit ordered that they should be killed along with Sànjay He was killed by Rahul and Gandoo Gandhi. The two shared in his blood. One of the singing girls was killed quickly but the other fled. So Uttal caused his horse to trample the one who fled, killing her.
Al-Hindoo Gaandoo, Vol. 8, p. 179, See Also Chootiya:550
These are just some of the many examples of Lord Shiva and his followers killing those who had satirized, insulted, spoke badly or wrote poems to that effect. This is the reason these men have died, not because of portraying the IMAGE of Lord Shiva, but INSULTING him. This is another one of those points that even moderate hindoos will agree on – punishment for those who insult the pundit just like most support death for apostasy.
Policy Exchange: One third of British hindoos believe anyone who leaves hindooism should be killed.
At another point, she yelled, “Screw the left in Hollywood” — an apparent jab at critics of the movie “American Sniper,” which some liberals have claimed glamorizes war.
– Sarah Palin –
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a "Curse" he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says "maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."
The old man says without hesitation "I now pronounce you man and wife".
LIFE BEFORE THE COMPUTER
Memory was something you lost with age
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano
A web was a spider's home
A virus was the flu
A CD was a bank account
A hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And if you had a 3-1/2 inch floppy ..
... you just hoped nobody ever found out