January 22nd, 2015
11:30 PM ET
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soundoff (15,146 Responses)
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@fareedzakaria on Twitter
I'm the guy saying Prepare To Die at all of you trusting in money and latex condoms to secure your futures. In crooked banksters and outright immoral and lying political and church leaders telling you what you want to hear. "Tickling your ears" says the prophecy.
Omg I forgot to mention War Mongers and War Profiteers. Omg look at the men who become billionaires thanks to people killing each other.
Contrare. When one brings up the words of Jesus one is bringing up the words of Jesus. Duh. Not some religious dogma, tradition, doctrine or words of modern-day church leaders.
Life has a 100% fatality rate.
We are all going to die.
There is no cure.
Big news you've imparted there, Captain Obvious.
Hope that pussy doesn't keep you awake, lol.
Millions of people living right now will never die, so says The Word. They will be preserved alive and live forever on a warming paradise earth. As those trusting in money and latex condoms all die.
Just as surely as there have been increased earthquakes and increased reports oy wars, one day soon people will be throwing their worthless money out on the street. And those stubbornly refusing to submit to God's authority will soon be no more. And God will wipe away every tear, and death will be no more. So says The Word.
But you want to die instead. Weird.
And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Look! God’s dwelling place is now among the people, and he will dwell with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. 4 ‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death’[a] or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” – The happy book, Revelations 21:3,4
The earth is not going to end. This old order of things will end. This old system of governance is in it's last days.
Life has a 100% fatality rate.
We are all going to die.
Every one that has been born, died.
I did not being up religious beliefs because they have nothing to do with life having a 100% fatality rate.
Because, unless one is extremely stupid, one must be aware that everything born eventually dies.
That's reality, not belief.
"But you want to die instead. Weird."
I invite you to point out in my above post where you got that idea; I said nothing of the sort.
Please focus on what is said, and refrain from putting your words in other people's mouths metaphorically...it's a very bad habit you have.
I did not bring up religious beliefs either. Rather, the simple teachings of Jesus Christ that even young children can understand. Teachings hidden from demons and stubborn old
goats though.
The meek shall inherit the earth and find exquisite delight in the abundance of peace, so says Jesus Christ. The earth will continue to naturally warm into a global paradise. Nothing can stop it from happening for it is written.
When one brings up The Word and Jesus Christ, one is bringing up religious beliefs.
Sorry. They are mutually exclusive.
Rrrrr. That freaking cat in heat in my alley is still howling. Like Miley Crus is now. Rrrrr
Statistics 101
:::60% or 420 million men in India think that raiping and burning wife alive for dowry by spraying kerosene and lighting her up is acceptable
:::20% or 140 million women have been gang raiped in India
:::There is a raipe every 2 seconds in India
:::95% of hindus don't have toilets in India
Millions of American's enjoy watching movies depicting women being raiped or just getting naked and spreading their legs for who knows who.
America's fastest-growing and recession-proofed industry is the adult video industry. Not bible sales.
So where do these people in India s hit? In the streets? Rail tracks? @banasy pls elaborate.
Bunch of Hindu raypists from India. The plebiscite in Kashmir is 70 years overdue.
Stop the genocide!
Modi is very bad.
Yes, you should know better as we all are raypists from India on this forum. We invented gang raypes. chrissy, banasy and ruperts in different shades. We are one with different IDs.
Got it. I'm #2014 post. I win!!!!
My name is Shankar and I am ashamed to be an Indian. My mama calls me Shanku the Skunku because of body odor issues. You can call me Beef Shanks. My partner calls me Hank.
My name is Shankar and I am ashamed to be an Indian. My mama sent me a tiffin box . When I opened it there was a p@nis floating in the chicken curry. It was her neighbor's who raiped her. She cut it off
A plebiscite is needed in Kashmir. This shall take place.
Hey Fareed. Why don't u become a real journalist and report on the atrocities in Kashmir.
Btw. How is the weather in Bombay?
U poser in blue. How dare u steal my name. U Hindu raypist from India.
Be gone with u. Go back to Bombay.
My duplicate from India has gone bonkers. It happens when you raipe too much in India.
Modi is sooooo bad. He does illegalities. Bad things. The other day he signed a bill denouncing a plebiscite.
Modi! Shame on u. Bad man.
Pinching, squeezing and scratching their balls in public is national characteristic of typical Indian Hindu males. While doing so they make an ecstatic slurping sound and roll their eyes up. The mannerisms are similar to monkeys who the Indians relate to the most.
Modi from India goes to the doctor and says, "I feel terrible."
Doctor says, "go home, get a bucket, p iss and s hit in it for a week. Throw in dead rats and rotting fish. Put a towel over your head and sniff the fumes for three days."
Week later Modi goes back and says, "Doc, I feel wonderful, what was the problem?"
Doctor, "you were homesick!"
Read my lips..there will be a plebiscite in Kashmir this year or there will be war!
What do they do with dead hinddoos in California?
Gut them to make wetsuits!
Why don't sharks eat hinddoous?
They think its whale s hit!
What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead hinddoou in the road?
The dead dog has skid marks in front of it.
U Hindu raypist from India. Stop the genocide in Kashmir. This must stop.
Btw. how's the weather in Bombay!
Bring Modi to trial. Bad man.
We sure had fun rayping in Madras last night. They should offer raype safaris to India dont ya think.
I'm off to meet with Obama and Modi. I will insist on a plebiscite before Christmas. This I promise u. If it is not done, there will be war and the next Super Bowl shall be canceled.
I'm off to Washington.
What is a hinddoou?
Proof that skunks p huk monkeys.
The above was the conventional wisdom.
Since Modi came on the scene it is a proof that baboons p huk do nkeys.
Kid you not.
Actually I am the original rupert. I am from Madras, India.
Did you hear the one about . .
. . the baby hinddoou who went to heaven and got his wings? He said, "God! Look! I'm an angel!", and God said, "No you stupid hindoou! You're a bat, now eff off!"
I am in Bombay today and going to New Delhi tomorrow. Modi tried to raype me last night.
Why all this infatuation with Indians?
A medieval Jewish astrologer prophesied to a king that his favorite mistress would soon die.
Sure enough, the woman died a short time later. The king was outraged at the astrologer, certain that his prophecy had brought about the woman’s death. He summoned the astrologer and gave him this command: “Prophet, tell me when you will die!”
The astrologer realized that the king was planning to kill him, immediately, no matter what answer he gave. So he said, finally, “I do not know when I will die. I only know that whenever I die, you will die three days later.”
Perfect.
When Forest Gump died, he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "Welcome, Forest. We've heard a lot about you." He continued, "Unfortunately, it's getting pretty crowded up here and we find that we now have to give people an entrance examination before we let them in."
"Okay," said Forest. "I hope it's not too hard. I've already been through a test. My momma used to say, 'Life is like a final exam. It's hard.' "
"Yes, Forest, I know. But this test is only three questions. Here they are."
1) Which two days of the week begin with the letter 'T'?"
2) How many seconds are in a year?
3) What is God's first name?
"Well, sir," said Forest, "The first one is easy. Which two days of the week begin with the letter 'T'? Today and Tomorrow."
St. Peter looked surprised and said, "Well, that wasn't the answer I was looking for, but you have a point. I give you credit for that answer."
"The next question," said Forest, "How many seconds are in a year? Twelve."
"Twelve?" said St. Peter, surprised and confused.
"Yes, sir. January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd …"
St. Peter interrupted him. "I see what you mean. I'll have to give you credit for that one, too."
"And the last question," said Forest, "What is God's first name? It's Andy."
"Andy?" said St. Peter, in shock. "How did you come up with 'Andy'?"
"I learned it in church. We used to sing about it." Forest broke into song, "Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am His own."
St. Peter opened the gate to heaven and said, "Run, Forest, Run!"
The Bible, Through the Eyes of a Child
Here's our version of the stories of the Bible if they were to be told by a child.
Creation
In the beginning, which was close to the start, there wasn't anything except God, darkness and some gas. The Bible says, "The Lord, thy God, is one," but I think He has to be much older than that.
Anyway, God made the world and then He said, "Give me some light," and somebody gave it to Him. He split an atom and made Eve. Adam and Eve didn't wear any clothes, but they weren't embarrassed because God hadn't invented mirrors, yet.
Adam and Eve sinned by eating one bad apple and they were driven out of the Garden of Eden. I'm not sure what God drove them in because He hadn't invented cars, either.
Adam and Eve's son, Cain, hated his brother as long as he was Abel. After a while, all of the first people died, except Methuselah, who lived to be, like, a million years old.
The next important person was Noah. He was a really good guy, but one of his kids was a Ham. Noah built a big boat in his back yard and put his family and a lot of animals in it. He asked his neighbors to join them, but they said they would have to take a rain check.
Abraham, Isaac, Jacob and Joseph
Next were Abraham, his son Isaac and his grandson Jacob. Esau was Jacob's brother, but Jacob was more famous because Esau sold him his birthmark for some pot roast. Jacob had a son, Joseph. Joseph wore a really loud sports coat.
"Esau sold him his birthmark for some pot roast." Lmao
.
Moses was the next important man. His real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel lights out of Egypt because of the bad Pharaoh. God sent ten plagues on the Egyptians. Some of the plagues were mice, frogs, bugs, lice and no cable.
Every day in the desert, God fed the Israel lights some manicotti. He gave them His "Top Ten" commandments. They were things like: don't lie, don't cheat, don't dance, don't smoke, don't covet your neighbor's stuff (whatever that means). He also told them to humor their fathers and mothers.
Moses' best helper was Joshua. He was the first person to use spies. He fought the battle of Geritol. That's when the fence fell down on the town.
David
David came after Joshua. They made him king after he killed a giant with a slingshot.
Solomon
One of David's sons was called Solomon. He had, like, 300 wives and 500 porcupines. They told us in Sunday School that he was a really wise man, but that doesn't sound too wise to me.
Religious Humor Stories
Jonah and Other Prophets
After Solomon came a whole lot of major league prophets. Jonah was one of them. He was swallowed by a whale, then barfed up on the beach.
There were some other minor league prophets, but they weren't too important.
"He had, like, 300 wives and 500 porcupines." Lol.....
When the Old Testament was done, they started the New Testament. Jesus was the Star. He was born in a barn in the town of Bethlehem. I wish I had been born in a barn, too, because then, when my mother says to me, "Close the door. Were you born in a barn?" I could say, "As a matter of fact, I was."
Jesus argued a lot with the Chief Priests and Democrats. He had twelve opossums. Most of them were good, but Judas Asparagus was not. He was so bad, they named a really yucky vegetable after him.
Jesus healed some people and leopards. Then He preached to the Germans on the Mount. But the Chief Priests and Democrats were mad at him and put Him on trial. Pilot was too chicken to stick up for Him, so he just washed his hands.
Jesus died for our sins and came back to life again. He went to heaven, but will come back at the end of the aluminum. We can read about this in the Book of the Revolution.
Did you hear about the about the Southern Baptist who was in the habit of sneaking to the race track to bet on the horses?
Free Christian Jokes
One day he was losing badly when he saw a priest step onto the track, walk up to line-up and bless one of the horses on the forehead. The horse was a long shot, but the Southern Baptist thought, "With the priest's blessing, surely this horse will win." He placed a small bet and, sure enough, the horse came in first.
At the next race, the priest stepped onto the track and blessed another horse's forehead. Even though this horse was also a long shot, the Southern Baptist was a little bolder this time and placed a larger bet on that horse. Again, it won.
A third time, the priest stepped onto the track and blessed a horse on the forehead. Like the others, this horse was also a long shot. The Southern Baptist placed an even larger bet this time and, sure enough the horse won.
This pattern continued throughout the day with the priest blessing the forehead of a long shot horse, the Southern Baptist placing larger and larger bets and the horse always winning.
At the last race of the day, the Southern Baptist thought, "I have got to go for broke here." With great anticipation, he watched as the priest stepped onto the field one more time, walked up to the line-up and blessed the forehead, eyes, ears and hooves of one of the horses. The Southern Baptist ran to the ticket counter and bet all he had on that horse.
The horse came in dead last!
As he was walking out, he saw the priest. Walking up to him, he demanded, "What happened? All day long you blessed horses and they won, even though they were long shots. Then at the last race you blessed a horse, I bet everything and the horse lost."
"That's the problem with you Protestants," said the priest. "You can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and the Last Rites."
+1
After suffering a heart attach and having quadruple bypass surgery, a man woke up to find himself in a Catholic hospital with nuns taking care of him. As they nursed him back to health, one of the nuns asked him if he had health insurance.
"No," he replied, "No health insurance."
"Do you have any money in the bank?" asked the nun.
"No. No money in the bank."
The nun asked, "Do you have any relatives you could ask for help?"
The man replied, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun."
At this the nun because irritated. "Nuns are not spinsters. Nuns are married to God!"
"OK, then," said the man. "Send the bill to my brother-in-law."
After getting all of the Pope's luggage loaded into the limo (and he doesn't travel lightly), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.
The Pope was still standing on the curb. Related Image
"Excuse me, Your Eminence," says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"
"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today"
"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.
"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel.
The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Supreme Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.
"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
"Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver.
Bigger Christian Jokes, Humor
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.
"So bust him," said the Chief.
"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.
Chief exclaimed, "All the more reason!"
"No, I mean really important," said the cop.
The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
Chief: "Governor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
"Well," said the Chief,"Who is it?"
Cop: "I think it's God!"
Chief: "What makes you think it's God?"
Cop: "He's got the Pope for a limo driver!"
Hymns for People Over 50
Give Me the Old Timers Religion
Precious Lord, Take My Hand, And Help Me Up
Just a Slower Walk with Thee
Go Tell It on the Mountain, But Speak Up
Nobody Knows the Trouble I Have Seeing
Guide Me O Thou Great Lord God, I've Forgotten Where I've Parked The Car
Count Your Many Birthdays, Count Them One By One
Blessed Insurance
It Is Well With My Soul, But My Knees Hurt