January 22nd, 2015
11:30 PM ET
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@fareedzakaria on Twitter
RT @SteveRattner: It's the guns. https://t.co/pnhERoRLaj
Today's last look: While Putin outlandishly claims to be de-Nazifying Ukraine, the International Criminal Court's ctwitter.com/i/web/status/1…Fd
Pressing questions about the banking crisis: Is the Fed handling this correctly? How can it manage a delicate tradetwitter.com/i/web/status/1…lF
What can China gain by cozying up to Putin's Russia?
From today's GPS, my conversation with the @spectator’stwitter.com/i/web/status/1…vHyo
Part two of my conversation with @jonstewart: What to make of today's culture wars?
Stewart's thoughts on informatwitter.com/i/web/status/1…Th
An evil Atheist explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself "Oh God, I'm screwed!!!!!."
There is a ray of light from heaven and a voice booms out: "No, you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you."
So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the living heck out of the chief.
As he stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 natives with a look of shock on their faces, Gods voice booms out again: "Okay ..... NOW you're screwed."
Well, the voice was John Cleese, after all...
Funny how people pick and choose The Word they're going to follow, isn't it?
Well, when one has a mult itude of voices swirling around in the void of the head, one must choose carefully of which they choose to answer.
Hint: not the one that sounds like John Cleese.
But definitely the one that allows a person to lie, steal, and kill while pretending he does none of those things.
The one that sounds like Al Pacino?
Oh, wait, that's the other guy.
The Other Guy :
You talkin' to me? You talkin' to me? You talkin' to me? Then who the hell else are you talkin' to? You talkin' to me? Well I'm the only one here. Who the f-u-c-k do you think you're talking to?
Lol, I was thinking more Devil's Advocate, but Scarface works just as well.
I believe that my work here is nearly done. Back in 2010, I solved the Gulf oil spill by suggesting to BP that they plug the well with a weeks worth of John McCains soiled grampy diapers. They did and it worked. I managed to get Obama elected to 2 terms and thanks to me the tea party is on the run. But my biggest accomplishment was getting the conservatives in this country to finally open their eyes and see Sarah Palin for the laughingstock that she is . This happened last week after the Iowa convention and for this I'm sure the world will be grateful.
If Sarah Palin has a stroke, how will we know?
She's start making sense?
*She'd
An Indian chief had three wives, each of whom was pregnant. The first gave birth to a boy. The chief was so elated he built her a teepee made of deer hide. A few days later, the second gave birth, also to a boy. The chief was very happy. He built her a teepee made of antelope hide. The third wife gave birth a few days later, but the chief kept the details a secret. He built this one a two story teepee, made out of a hippopotamus hide. The chief then challenged the tribe to guess what had occurred.
Many tried, unsuccessfully. Finally, one young brave declared that the third wife had given birth to twin boys.
"Correct," said the chief. "How did you figure it out?"
The warrior answered, "It's elementary. The value of the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides."
How do you get a hinddoou out of a tree?
Cut the rope.
Esau essentially traded his self-control for a latex condom and a bowl of lentil stew.
No, it was a pot roast.
No. If you study the Hebrew language it was lentil stew. Just as if you study koine Greek it was Druggery, not witchcraft or sorcery as modern bibles say.
Pot roast. Lmao. What a hick.
Right. Latex condoms were mentioned in the Hebrew Bible?
And, of course, I was referring to BC's joke.
Not everyone is as bereft of a sense of humor and reading comprehension.
Lmao. Latex condoms. What a hick.
I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a package of condoms. There was a beautiful woman behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked, if I knew how to wear one.
I honestly answered, "No."
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb, She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So she looked all around the store. It was empty.
"Just a minute," she said, and walked to the door, and locked it.
Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. "Do these excite you?" she asked.
Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said, it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and laid down on a desk.
"Well, come on", she said, "We don't have much time."
So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and POW, I was done within a few minutes. She looked at me with a frown. "Did you put that condom on?"
I said, "I sure did," and held up my thumb to show her.
*Facepalm*
Italicized.
Give him a D. Give him an '. Give him an o. Give him and h. Give him an !!!. What's that spell.
D'oh !!!
Sometimes I like to break out the old FP.
Nice to know I can still have that effect.
But of course. Sometimes a "d'oh" just isn't enough.
How do you stop a hinddoou from drowning?
Take your foot off the back of his head.
"Sarah Palin’s odd, rambling speech last weekend before an audience of committed conservative activists in Des Moines has many influential voices on the right saying that the time has come to acknowledge that the romance has gone cold and the marriage is dead."
And the credit goes to palintwit.
“In hindsight I regret contributing to the premature deification of Sarah Palin,” columnist Matt Lewis wrote Wednesday in the Daily Beast.
He added that “maybe her early critics saw some fundamental character flaw — some harbinger of things to come — that escaped me.”
Last weekend was far from the first Palin appearance that has raised eyebrows among her onetime fans. At the Conservative Political Action Conference in 2013, she said of her husband, Todd: “He’s got the rifle. I got the rack.”
Granny was in her eighties and much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the spring and she welcomed him into her parlor. He took a seat while she prepared some tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom.
Imagine his shock and surprise! And curiosity! Surely, Miss Granny had flipped!! But he felt he couldn't mention the strange sight in her parlor.
When she returned with the tea and cookies they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and the floating item, but soon it got the better of him and he could resist no longer.
"Miss Granny," he said while pointing to the bowl, "I wonder if you could tell me about this?"
"Oh, yes", she replied, "Isn't it wonderful! I was walking down town last fall and I found this little package. The directions said to put it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know. . . I haven't had a cold all winter."
"This week's messy, public breakup between conservatives and Sarah Palin was executed with brutal swiftness. After years of alternately worshiping and defending her from all comers while gleefully echoing her falsehoods about the Obama administration (death panels!), lots of conservatives - and especially conservative pundits - decided enough, and collectively tossed her overboard."
Two nuns were in back of the convent smoking cigarettes, when one said "It's bad enough that we have to sneak out here to smoke, but it really is a problem getting rid of the cigarette butts so that Mother Superior doesn't find them."
The second nun said "I've found a marvelous invention called the condom, which works really well for this problem. You just open the packet up, take out the condom, and put the cigarette butt in, roll it up, and dispose of it all later!" The first nun was quite impressed and asked where she could find them. "You get them at the drug store, sister, just go and ask the pharmacist for them."
The next day the good sister went to the drug store and walked up to the counter. "Good morning sister", said the pharmacist. "What can I do for you today?" "I'd like some condoms please" said the nun. The pharmacist was a little taken aback, but recovered soon enough and asked: "How many boxes would you like – there are twelve to a box."
"I'll take twelve boxes – that should last about a week" said the nun.
The pharmacist was truly flabbergasted by this time, and was almost afraid to ask any more questions, but his professionalism prevailed and he asked in a clear voice, "Sister, what size condoms would you like – we have large, extra large, and big liar size."
The sister thought for a minute, and finally said "I'm not certain, perhaps you could recommend a good size for a Camel?
Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no.
Modi has developed warts on his bollz that are cancerous. @banasy quit s ukking them.
Aren't you the most precocious little 45-year-old adolescent troll? Oh, yes you are. Yes, you are.
A couple is travelling on a long distance overnight flight. Everyone is slowly drifting off. The flight attendants have served the last round of coffee and drinks, dimmed the cabin lights, and are resting. The couple carefully check over their fellow passengers. Finally, everyone appears to be asleep. One at a time, they furtively make their way to the bathroom at the rear of the cabin. Before closing the door, the last one in has a quick glance back over the cabin to make sure they haven't been spotted. There's rustling of clothes as they prepare themselves and get comfortable:
"Ready, dear?"
"Yes, darling."
"Oh, good! You remembered the condom."
"Quick, let's get it on and get started."
A little more rustling, then:
"Aaahhh!"
"Oohhhh!"
Suddenly, the intercom comes to life:
"This is your Captain speaking."
"To the two people in the toilet – we know exactly what you're up to."
"What you're doing is expressly prohibited by the airline regulations."
"Please stop immediately, put your cigarettes out, and remove the condom from the smoke detector!
A head nun gathers the 100 nuns in a convent to a meeting. She looks at them and says "We found a condom in one of our rooms."
99 nuns gasp and one says "he he he"
The head nun says "The condom was used"
99 nuns gasp and one says "he he he"
The head nun says "The condom broke"
1 nun gasps, 99 nuns say "he he he"
Uh oh. She's gonna get Bubonic Plague.
" Later that evening, Palin herself landed on Fox News with host Sean Hannity — and she made clear that O’Reilly’s dig had bothered her. “Even there on Fox — you know, kind of a quasi or assumed conservative outlet, and we have all day listened in to the tease of Bill O’Reilly,” said Palin to Hannity. “He’s talking about the guests on his show tonight or the commentary on his show. And that would be, ‘Oh, all these GOP contenders thinking about running for president, like Donald Trump, Sarah Palin,’ and he names them off. He says, ‘Oh, what a reality show that would be, yuck, yuck.’ Well, the left doesn’t do that, OK? They take this serious because this is war.”
A vacuous assessment on par with the average Sarah Palin assertion. "
You've just hit the trifecta of Fox comedians.
True.
It's as if one man is on stage at a comedy club and only one old lady is in the audience laughing. 🙂
Glad you're amused at the jokes. Don't clutch your pearls too tightly at some of the subject matter. You offend pretty easily.
banasy©
When one brings up The Word and Jesus Christ, one is bringing up religious beliefs.
Sorry. They are mutually exclusive.
January 31, 2015 at 1:26 pm |
No. When one brings up the words of Jesus Christ one is bring up the words of Jesus Christ. Not some religious doctrine or dogma or tradition or teachings of some modern day church leader. Duh.
Nope. Sorry you don't know the difference between belief and tangible proof.
And you don't follow The Word in any shape or form, anyhow; you cherry pick what you choose to believe and act upon. Just like the dogma you were indoctrinated in when you attended the Jehovah's Witness church.
Puhleeze. Phony.
Again, the teachings of Jesus are simple so that even children can understand them. You confuse the complicated religious dogma of today's religions with the simple words of Jesus. They are not the same at all. Not even close.
These are you beliefs. And that's fine.
This appears to be the main thing that was missed in the whole spiel :
The Bible, Through the Eyes of a Child
Here's our version of the stories of the Bible if they were to be told by a child.
And you are going to turn this into an argument ?
"Pot roast" LMAO. Only from an ignorant woman will you hear that. "Pot roast" instead of lentil stew, a "bowl of the red".
Because Philip is inexplicably reading-challenged, and cannot follow a thread:
bobcat2u
The next important person was Noah. He was a really good guy, but one of his kids was a Ham. Noah built a big boat in his back yard and put his family and a lot of animals in it. He asked his neighbors to join them, but they said they would have to take a rain check.
Abraham, Isaac, Jacob and Joseph
Next were Abraham, his son Isaac and his grandson Jacob. Esau was Jacob's brother, but Jacob was more famous because Esau sold him his birthmark for some pot roast. Jacob had a son, Joseph. Joseph wore a really loud sports coat.
January 31, 2015 at 11:51 am | Reply
Do you get it now, or do I have to break down the two-syllable words for you, too?
The bible does not say pot roast. Get a clue you word twister.
I hardly read any of the hundreds of jokes you copy/paste each week, Bob. I scanned your stupid joke and read Esau and pot roast, and corrected it. Get a clue. Your jokes are mostly as annoying as other lists of words that have nothing to do with reality. You really should go to a comedy club website to tell jokes ya know. A joke once in awhile on a serious news blog is ok. But all the time and daily for years? Come on, Bob. Give it a rest.
This appears to be the main thing that was missed in the whole spiel :
The Bible, Through the Eyes of a Child
Here's our version of the stories of the Bible if they were to be told by a child.
And you are going to turn this into an argument ?
And Philip, if this is indeed the doctrine of the Jehovah witnesses you believe you are preaching here, I can as sure you it is your own version. I've studied extensively with them and even though some of your info is accurate, the way you have chosen to deliver that word is not in the teaching doctrines of the witnesses.
When you choose to give it a rest with your holier than thou at itude and constant belittlement of others, then and only then will I stop with my jokes.
Philip, you stupid man, IT WAS A JOKE! if you can't follow a thread, don't COMMENT on it instead of jumping in and throwing up word salad about an unrelated thing.
I didn't twist your words; I was giving you the context on where I got the pot roast joke from. Which I know you read in the first damned place because you brought up Esau AFTER the joke So stop being disingenuous.
I don't think you understand how very much you twist OTHER'S words to fit whatever tangent you're flying off on.
Oh, and PS: the Bible doesn't say latex condoms in it either, but then it's fine when it is you making the joke.
Did you hear the one about a nation of peoples who started wearing rubbers and doing drugs? Yeah. They got fat and infested with AIDS. And started sending troops abroad to get them even more stuff to consume and throw-away 40% of. Funny stuff. They look funny now too. Big fat ugly creatures with many of them wearing dark tattoos and ancient Tau's around their necks. Freaks, really.
...and eventually began to legally dispose of their unwanted babies where before did so illegally anyway. Abortion HAD to be legalized. That, or build enough prisons to hold all the aborters. 70 million legalized abortions so far. God only knows how many done before those. He knows each hair on each unborn baby and has them each individually numbered according to The Word. You aborters are in big trouble with God. That's for sure.
Sarah Palin should have aborted that Trig-tard thing of hers.
"You aborters are in big trouble with God. That's for sure."
You sure are.
Stupid is the man who thinks condoms were invented in the '60's.
Stupider is the man who blames his own mistakes ON the 60's.
Stupider still was Adam's wife Eve. Who fell for a snake. Today, Eve's daughters have electronic models of that snake. Usually in the bottom drawer or in the glove compartment if driving more than 50 miles.
If one has to resort to Eve to support their misogyny, them there's no real help for that person, is there?
YOU don't follow the word, you heathen! Burn in hell you mother focker!
Lol. Nah, I just call it as I see it, you phony ass.
See, Jesus used the word "hypocrite" for people precisely like you. You might want to revisit Matthew 7 again.
That's hilarious coming from a woman who has said repeatedly that her and I DO NOT KNOW EACH OTHER.
How?
I don't know you. I am taking your words and applying The Word to you.
Focus.
If a man gets a woman pregnant, and the law allows for the woman to decide if the baby lives or dies, if she chooses death THE MAN IS GUILTY and must be burned alive in hellfire forever. Amen.
If you knew about it, you are just as complicit. If you did nothing to stop it, you bet. If you preach about how Christlike you are afterwards, you're a hypocrite..
I don't believe in hell, and never have.. Another fact that you conveniently ignore when lying about me.
Shut up you bloodthirsty old hag. I already said I even tried to bribe the one woman I made pregnant trying to get her to change her mind. And that the two I made pregnant when young were FORCED to get illegal abortions in Mexico by their own dads. Pump off you nasty old squaw hag.
I'm not bloodthirsty at all; where do you get that from?
How very silly.
LOL. That really is funny !
Yes, it is; coming from a man who has stated emphatically that he doesn't care about man's laws but follows God's Laws, the cherry-picking is abundantly clear.
I miss the good times here.
I miss them in this forum, and all over my country.
There were definitely many good times. It's a shame this turned into such a market tabloid.
So do I, JIF; but I have found new forums to post at where trollery is strictly prohibited, and the rules are actually enforced.
They still exist.
He said Good times all over the country, Donna. You are totally satisfied with the status quo and totally support adulterous leaders. You like Americans being as fat and stupid as you are. A few of US don't like how Lady America....once fit and trim and bright....is now fat and and stupid and is ugly.
Back to work.
Good to see you Joey.
I replied to JIF:"So do I, JIF; but I have found new forums to post at where trollery is strictly prohibited, and the rules are actually enforced.
They still exist.
Did you have a problem understanding what I meant?
The rest of your silly tirade does not apply to me at all, so it is not going to be answered. There is no point.
Sarah Palin is the queen of Freedom.
Freedom from intelligence, freedom from conscious thought.
Freedom from reality.
A day without the Klondike Kardashian is like a day without crabs...
Also...Freedom from physical ugliness.
It's true that she is an attractive moron.
Ah,,,there we go.
This was like the bar in Cheers: where everybody knows your name.
I had best friends whom I had never met.
I have shifted in my appraisal of pharmaceuticals, and I agree more with Philip now.
Doctors are constantly wanting to feed me pills that I do not need. I refuse them.
What a racket, aside from the danger to doctors from a greedily litigious America.
I'm going out to make the doughnuts now.
(Have a rehearsal.)
Agree with unnecessary medications being prescribed.
Disagree with the notion that it's necessary to get rid of all medications because one person doesn't like one classification of them.
Pharmaceuticals is big business in this country. Capitalism, baby; it's not all sunshine and rainbows.
That men like Bob would appear and ridicule the true God was foretold long ago. Bob&Donna are themselves fulfilment of bible prophecy. People not caring if their leaders are adulterous dogs or not.
The bible also states that you should not be part of this world. Which is to say the workings of the government, except for the laws were are ordered to obey, should be of no concern to us. And render unto Ceasar that which is Ceasars and render unto the lord that which is his. And the bible also says it is not for ust to judge lest we be judged. So i see a complete failure in three different areas here.
Sort of true, Bob. The meaning being do not join any man's army and actually carpet bomb fellow Christians overseas. And pay your taxes. And quit mixing in company with sodomites lest ye become sharers with them in their sins and in their destruction. Don't recommend ways for sodomites to enjoy themselves without risk of getting AIDS, for example.
He is bit ridiculing God.
At all.
You need to actually read rather than react.
I get the distinct feeling that Jesus would much rather hang around with Bob and I.
He is NOT ridiculing God.
My goodness this phone...
" Sarah Palin brought anti intellectualism and ignorance to mainstream America. I blame her and her ilk for the horrible discourse we have in politics. Nothing she says is based on anything factual. Rednecks are apparently (according to Palin) the only "real" Americans. "
We arrive in rusty 1964 motorhomes.
We bring our bibles and loaded assault weapons.
We wear ridiculous clothing and have teabags dangling from our earlobes.
We carry misspelled racist signs as we stomp all over the White House lawn.
We eat Chick-fil-A and wash it down with Everclear that we drink from Smuckers jars.
We are Sarah Palin's real Americans.
We love the baby jesus but we love to boink our cousins even more.
We believe that the earth is only 6,000 years old and that early man walked with the dinosaurs.
We believe that nascar is a real sport and that Dale Earnhardt was a great American athlete.
We are the birthers. We are tea party patriots. We tea bag for jesus.
We are bigots and inbreds. We are morons and we are proud.
"The problem with Sarah Palin is that bitterness and hatred have been shriveling her up at an accelerated rate, and now she is sporting quite the turkey neck. Her mindless fan base could tolerate her idiotic ramblings as long as she remained attractive to them, but now her looks are fading rapidly. The uglier she becomes, the more her fans start actually listening to what she says, and many realize they've been worshiping an incredible idiot for far too long."