January 22nd, 2015
11:30 PM ET
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@fareedzakaria on Twitter
While playing poker with his buddies at the home of his friend Eddie one Sunday evening, Dan happened to drop a dollar bill to the floor. As he bent down to pick up the dollar bill under the poker table, he happened to look directly at the shapely legs of Eddie’s wife, Mona, who was seated on a chair near the poker table. Sensing that Dan was staring at her legs, Mona slyly parted her legs revealing that she was not wearing any underwear at all! A surprised Dan quickly got up and excused himself to get a drink from the kitchen. Mona also got up and followed Dan into the kitchen.
When the two of them were alone in the kitchen, Mona made her move. “You know, Dan, I’ve always wondered how great you might be in the sack.”
“Me too,” Dan blurted out. “I mean, making love to you, of course.”
“Well if you want to find out, come back here tomorrow afternoon at four and bring a thousand bucks.” said Mona seductively. “Don’t worry, I’m worth every cent of it. You won’t regret it.”
Dan just nodded as he returned to the poker game.
The next afternoon at exactly four o’clock, Dan was knocking at the door and Mona opened it quickly. She said, “I knew you couldn’t resist me! Got the thousand bucks?” Dan waved a wad of greenbucks and Mona smiled as she counted the bills greedily and pocketed the money, “C’mon loverboy! Let the games begin!” And they proceeded to have great hot s ex in the bedroom. After they were through, Dan got up to get dressed and he thanked Mona for the good time before leaving.
A few minutes after Dan left, Eddie came home from work. He asked his wife, “Hey Mona! Did Dan come by the house this afternoon?”
Mona was so surprised that she blurted out, “Why, yes, he was here! What did he tell you?”
“He told me that he’s gonna give you a thousand bucks.”
“W-w-well, he d-d-did..” stammered Mona.
“Well good! That’s what he promised to do when he borrowed that thousand bucks from me last night!”
The sky was dark
The moon was high
The wind did fade
All alone, she and I
Her hair was soft
Her eyes were blue
I knew just what
She wanted to do
Her skin so soft
Her legs so fine
I ran my fingers
Down her spine
I didn’t know how
But I tried my best
I started by placing
My hands on her breast
I remember my fear
My fast beating heart
But slowly she spread
Her long legs apart
And when I did it
I felt no shame
As all at once
The white stuff came
At last it’s finished
Yes, all over now
My first time ever
At milking a cow.
Two crusty old war veterans, sitting in front of the fireplace at the retirement home: “Dave, it seems so long since I last made love to a woman. How long has it been for you?”
“Nineteen forty-five,” says Dave solemnly.
“Hell, that’s a long time!” exclaims, Jim.
“Not really,” says Dave, puzzled. “It’s only twenty-thirty now.”
The general was confined to the military hospital for treatment of a minor malady. For almost a week he made a complete nuisance of himself, irritating both staff and the other patients, demanding attention and expecting his every order to be followed immediately. He was in a six-man ward rather than a private room, his meals were too cold or not served to suit his taste, the light needed to be adjusted to his demands, the nighttime activities interfered with his rest… and on, and on.
One afternoon an orderly entered the room. “Time to take your temperature, General.” After growling at the orderly, the general opened his mouth to accept the thermometer. “Sorry, General, but for this test we need your temperature from the other end.” A whole new barrage of verbal abuse followed, but the orderly was insistent that a rectal temperature was what the test called for. The general at last rolled over, bared his rear, and allowed the orderly to proceed. The orderly then told the general, “Stay exactly like that and don`t move. I`ll be back in five minutes to check up on you.” and withdrew.
An hour later, the head nurse entered the room, saw the general with his bare rear in the air and gasped, “What`s going on here?” “Haven`t you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?” the general barked.
“Yes I have, General, but with a daffodil?”
The big game hunter walked into the bar and bragged to everyone about his skills as a hunter. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognise any animal’s skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole he would even tell them what calibre rifle was used to shoot it.
This was a bit too much for the other customers, and soon a heated argument was going on. Then the hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and the bet was on. They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin.
After feeling it for a few moments, he announced. “Springbok”. Then he felt for the bullet hole and declared. “And shot with a .22 rifle”. The others could not believe it (he was right, of course) and the argument was even hotter than before. When some started to suggest that he must have peeped, he said that he was prepared to do it again. He would put up all the drinks they had bought before against them buying another round for him.
So they blindfolded him again, very thoroughly this time, and they brought a skin that someone happened to have in the boot of his car. He took a bit longer this time and then said, “Kalahari Lion” and fingering the bullet hole, said “and the rifle was a .308″ and he was right again.
This, of course, was like throwing fat on the fire, and he had to prove his skills over and over again, everytime against a round of drinks. Finally he staggered home, stoned out of his mind, and went to sleep.
The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner. So he said to his wife. “Listen I know I was drunk last night, but not too drunk to know that I did not fight anyone in that bar. So where did I get this black eye?” .
And his wife replied angrily. “From me, of course.”
“But what did I do?” he asked.
She replied, “You got into bed and put your hand down inside my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and announced in a loud triumphant tone: ‘Skunk, killed with an axe.’”
Gotta go for now, but I'll be back. That is not a threat.
Lmao @ bobcat...good job! And its no more disturbing than knowing that very same person is doing nightly neighborhood bedroom checks! With an extremely strange curiosity to know their s e x u a l patterns!!!!
I couldn't resist. Are you doing better today ?
Lmao yup! Im investing in an electric shock collar @ bobcat...and every time he opens his mouth to talk...ZAP! Lol 😉
Dad? How do you feel about abortions?
"Why don't you ask your sister."
But I don't have a...
Well. Off to the hospital with my pregnant wife for a 12 week scan. I can't wait to see if it's a boy or an abortion.
What do you call a black abortion clinic?
"Crimestoppers"
My wife is such a hypocrite, she is dead set against abortions.
Different story when my girlfriend got pregnant.
I locked my keys in my car outside of an abortion clinic.
It turns out they really get upset when you ask them for a coat hanger.
Abortion. It really brings out the child in you.
I've just been banned from eBay. Apparently a rat and plastic tube does not consti tute a DYI abortion kit.
Finally convince my girlfriend to get an abortion. All she needed was a nudge in the right direction. And some stairs.
Electric shock fetus collar?
I just found out my girlfriend is 26 weeks pregnant.
So I did the honourable thing and got down on one knee.
And punched as hard as I could.
Abortion clinics: Unexpecting the expected.
What a pregnant teenager thinks: My mom is going to kill me.
What the fetus thinks: My mom is going to kill me.
Why is it so hard to fool an aborted fetus?
Because it wasn't born yesterday.
Warning: Women do not see the funny side when you try to cheer them up after an abortion by scrambling them some eggs.
The following dedicated to abortion man above. Apologies to my friends.
What do they call abortion in Prague?
A cancelled Czech
The government of Colorado recently outlawed all abortions even in cases of raype or inc est, so if your daddy raypes you, you still have to have the baby. Which should pretty much account for the government of Colorado.
A Colorado Senator said that abortion has become a "convenience" for young girls. Like you're in the middle of s ex, and she says, "What, you don't have a rubber? I'm not on the pill... oh, hell with it, I'll have an abortion. No sweat, get it at Wal-Mart. They have a clinic, $19.95. And you want a laugh? It's right next to the Pampers! Law-zee!"
I once went on a date and when I told the guy that I had once started an abortion jokes blog he said it was the se xiest thing he’d ever heard.
Q: What do you call a cow who's had an abortion?
A: De-calf-i-nated.
Can the author of this post please identify him or herself? I want to ask the question whether this person recovered from this episode.
"Just took a flight from Newark, NJ to Chicago. This guy sitting next to me was smelling like rotten onions. I asked him where he was from. He muttered Tamil Nadu, India. I apologized politely to him and told him that I was nauseous due to his BO. That I will call flight attendant to move to another seat. I did so but none were available. Halfway through the flight he opens up a tupperware. It had some kind of fish curry. The smell coupled with his BO did me in. B'fore I could get up I started throwing up all over including into his curry. I was sick. The doctor on the flight helped me move to the toilet. Thank you. I was later told that guy from India kept on eating his curry and licking his fingers in sheer joyful ecstasy. More power to him. I have landed at O'Hare and am still sick from the odor."
Now back to your regularly scheduled programming.
Q: If you had one cricket ball in one hand and another cricket ball in your other hand, what would you have?
A: A bloody big cricket.
Q: Why did the ants dance on the jam jar?
A: The lid said, "Twist to open."
A hinddoo from India goes to the doctor and says, "I feel terrible."
Doctor says, "go home, get a bucket, p iss and s hit in it for a week. Throw in dead rats and rotting fish. Put a towel over your head and sniff the fumes for three days."
Week later Hinddoo goes back and says, "Doc, I feel wonderful, what was the problem?"
Doctor, "you were homesick!"
Tired of constant blonde jokes, a blonde dyes her hair brown. She goes for a drive in the country and sees a shepherd herding his sheep across the road.
"Hey, shepherd, if I guess how many sheep are here, can I keep one?" she asks.
The shepherd agrees. She blurts out, "352!"
The shepherd is stunned but keeps his word and allows her to pick a sheep.
"I'll take this one," she says proudly. "It's the cutest!"
"Hey lady," says the shepherd. "If I guess your real hair color, can I have my dog back?"
Why don't sharks eat hinddoos?
They think its whale s hit!
Q: What do you call a dog that has balls of steel and is dragging them across cement?
A: Sparky.
A slight hiatus.
What did the Alabama sherriff call the Hinddoo who had been shot 15 times?
Worst case of suicide he had ever seen.